Just some of my thoughts. Trying to show Christ's love to the world :)
Sometimes I wonder if anybody actually reads anything that I post on here, but there’s really no way to find out :/
Sometimes I know I need to get up early in the morning, but for the life of me I can’t seem to fall asleep.
Sometimes I watch the same movie for the 20th time.
Sometimes I wanna tel you exactly how I feel, but I don’t wanna ruin what I have now.
Sometimes I look around and wonder how did I get here at this point in my life.
Sometimes I am so overcome with emotion (anger, happiness, bitterness, laughter, sorrow, excitement, ect…) that can’t contain it and my heart feels like its going to explode.
Sometimes I wish God would talk back to me because I could really use a friend that totally understands me to talk to.
Sometimes I have all these great ideas right before I fall asleep and I tell myself to remember them, but in the morning they are gone.
Sometimes I just need a long drive and a good cry.
Sometimes I think about all the good memories and I wish I could relive some of them.
Sometimes I feel nothing and I just wonder through my day like a robot with hardly any emotion.
Sometimes I can’t stop smiling and I love those days.
Sometimes I just want to give it all up, because that just feels easier.
Sometimes I pray to God and I never say a single word…but I know He hears my heart.
Sometimes I wish I had done more with my life, but I have no idea what.
Sometimes I write a really long meaningless post.
Sometimes I just need to get some words out of me in the hopes that I’ll feel better.
Sometimes I just need hope.
Before you build a house you look at a detailed blue print to show what steps to take to build that house. Before you go on a road trip you look at the map to see how to get there. In both these situations and many others it starts with some kind of plan or guild line helping you know what to do and how to do it. Now what about your life? With life, where or when does God show you the map or blueprint? With God its just not that simple, He’s not just going to sit you down and say here’s what is going to happen in your life. He’s not going to say at age 25 this and age 33 this, or you should move here or do this thing. The only direction we have from Him is His word. We know from the word that we should follow Him, study Him, teach Him to others, and know Him. If we abide by His word and truly strive and do act like the true Biblical Christian then the rest will fall into place. Jer. 29:11, 1 Cor 10:13, Rom 8:28 (countless others) let us know that God only wants the best for us and will take care of us.
Lately it seems that in my life, especially my faith life, I have felt stagnant, I feel like I cannot connect with God. I can’t tell what God’s will for my life is. One phrase that has been stuck in my mind though is to take a step and then refocus and then take a step refocus. I’ve been hearing this a lot lately and I realized that I’ve been walking a long time without stopping to refocus. These past couple of weeks though I have been sitting back and refocusing so I can be ready for that next step.
Its hard to say this, but I know now why I have been having a hard time seeing God’d will in my life and why I don’t feel connected to Him. Its because for a very long time now I have not been a true Christian like I should be and want to be. I was/ am lukewarm. I am not praying really at all outside of church and I didn’t really study the Word much outside of Church. I don’t try to share the gospel with others or bring people to church (part of that is because I’m not bold enough) even though it is commanded. I mostly just go through the motions most of the time. I admit that in the last few years there were moments were I was the Christian and everything was okay, but it was not a 24/7 thing. When I realized that in the last coupe of years I really only had a few moments of good faith instead of an all the time faith, I was scared and ashamed about my faith. Scared wondering where I would be or could be going and also ashamed because I had let God down.
I’ve lost my fire and zeal for the Lord. I want to get my life back on track and to know with out any doubt where I’m going. I want to know God and His word. I want to have a deep and strong relationship with Him. I want to pray daily and maybe even more than that. I want my faith fire, once I find it, to be shared with others. I’m so blessed to have the wonderful friends I have in my life. I have let go of myself and opened up to some of my friends about this and I have not regretted it. They have offered kind words, wise advice, good scripture, a sounding board to vent to, no judgement, prayers and just a true friend I can talk to and count on. I really thought my life was sorta falling apart and to be honest it kinda was, but taking a step back and looking around at the shambles of my faith showed me I need to change. I also know that my amazing friends are there to help me and I can do this, I can change my life for the better in 2013 and find the good! 2013 is my year and I hope and pray for the change to come!
If you are reading this, first I would like to thank you for taking the time to care to read this super long post and also I want to take the time to ask for your prayers for this huge change in my life. Its very tough and scary for me to lay it all out there like this because I am usually not this vulnerable with my feelings and faith, but I know I can’t do this alone. To my friends that have helped me so far with this, words can not express how much you mean to me. I am truly blessed to have my brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you guys for all that you do. I love you all so much!
“Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.”—II Timothy 3:12. If you are not living out this verse…aka being persecuted…then you are probably not doing it right, or strongly enough. The Bible doesn’t lie, you will suffer it. It may not be being put in prison like the apostles, but it could be being made fun of by co-workers, mocked or laughed at by family or friends, or something else. Stand up and preach or share God’s word daily! #takingthechallenge
Just an awesome lesson given Wednesday night by one of my friends. It was something I took to heart and that I want to do more like he does. He makes an effort to talk about the Bible or God to others everyday. He’s not afraid of how others will take it but simply he is just on fire for the God and wanting to share the word. Like Jeremiah said in Jeremiah 20:9, He just has the word shut up in his bones like a fire and can’t contain it any longer. I was that same fire in my bones. Our challenge he gave us was to just do it 3 times a week. Stand with me and take the same challenge!
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just go to a new place. Pick up and move to a place far away where not a soul knows me and just start over. I’d be interested to see what kind of person I would be and how the new people would react and respond to me. Would things turn out the same as here? Would things be better or worse? A glimpse into the thoughts running through my head…
As I was leaving work I realized it was one of those perfect summer nights. The air was just right and I could smell the summer all around me. I wanted to get in my car and just drive for miles and miles…I didn’t know where really I wanted to go though. Alas, I just drove home.
On the way home I discovered where I wanted to drive. I remembered one of my favorite drives. It was when, as a church, we drove two vans from Missouri to Utah for a mission trip. It was my shift of the drive and we were going through Wyoming. Everybody was asleep in the van and I got to drive just alone with my thoughts. It was breathtakingly beautiful. For some of it we drove under the red rock arches and other times there were pretty mountains. It was so peaceful because everyone was asleep and I was just there, alone taking in God’s beauty. That is one of my favorite memories. Tonight that’s where I wanted to be.
So a friend gave me this book and its really good. It’s about trying to be a better encourager to your fellow brethren, and really to the whole world. It has lots of great wisdom and I love the author. In fact the same author also wrote the book I’m studying in my ladies class at church.
I’m just having a hard time trying to be an encourager when I feel like I’m not getting any encouragement back. I know its about giving and not receiving, I get that, but sometimes you just need some encouragement too. Right now I just feel discouraged in my faith. I don’t feel encouraged at church and I feel like my faith is not good enough. It just seems like people see others as stronger than they see me. I’m not saying I’m perfect but it just seems like I will never match up. Also when I try to help on things at church or just join in on things I get brushed over or I’m last picked. It also feels like I’m last to know about anything or anybody at church. I feel like no one hardy wants to include me on anything of real importance other than where we are eating lunch. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people but that’s just what I do. I have a friend and it just seems like everybody likes her more. People see her as more sociable, stronger, and just over all better. I feel like I’m also trying to match up to her. I want people to like me as much as they like her. I know its crazy, but I’m just sick of how people see me. I wish they could just get to know the real me. Some have and I’m so grateful for that, but there are a lot of people that just brush me off. I’m trying my best but I just feel its not good enough and I’m discouraged.
This rant was supposed to make me feel better but instead it just make me wonder what will this really do. Getting this out of me does feel better but what really will come of this. I hope I can find the good in all this and stop being discouraged in my faith. If you are reading this I could definitely use some prayers.
So this weekend I went with 20 people from my church to a retreat called Challenge Youth Conference in Gatlinburg, TN. We had a really good time. We played games, talked and laughed the whole way. There were tons of classic road trip things going on and even though it turned into a 10 hour drive it was so fun.
We stayed in a really nice cabin that was sorta in the woods of the Smokies. We got to hear really great speakers and lessons. There were around 9000 people there and it was split in half for each session. The singing was amazing and brought tears to my eyes. There’s just something about that 4500 Christians singing together that is so beautiful.
We also got to go out and walk through the town which was really neat. They had so many shops and things. On Saturday we drove into Smokey Mountain National Park. It was beautiful driving up into the mountains. We hiked a trail and saw two really pretty streams and we got to just take in God’s great beauty.
Over this weekend I was thinking about a lot of things. I’m not as strong of a Christian as I should be and that I want to be. I need to stop just going through the motions and the talk. I need to put my heart in my Christianity and I need to walk the walk. I thought about the strength of my faith and I should be at 100% but I really thought about it and I would put myself at about 60%-65%. That is sad. I’ve got to step it up. I’m trying but I feel like I’m just treading water, going no where. I need help from others. I hardly ever pray because I just don’t feel like I can or that I know what to say.
At the retreat this boy came forward and said that if Jesus came today he’s not sure he would be saved. I’m questioning my faith now, wondering if I would be saved. I’m going to try to change but I don’t what’s going to happen.
Another thing I was thinking about was just how awesome my church family really is. I love them so much and I am so blessed. I love all the memories and things we do together. I love how close I am to a lot of them and I love knowing that I can count on them when I need them. I love how all of them are strong Christians and truly showing their lights. I’m so blessed to be apart of the Jackson church. There are no words to describe how thankful and grateful I am for them. They mean so much to me.
This post was kinda all over the place…but it all kinda stemmed from this weekend.